WEEKLY PAPER__Tuesday, July 15th

July 15th. Half way through July. Seriously, wtf.

NEWS___

SEAN COMBS AKA PUFF DADDY AKA DIDDY FOUND NOT GUILTY OF SEX TRAFFICKING OR RACKETEERING; GUILTY OF PROSTITUTION

The real winner in this case, though, is Johnson & Johnson. Now, when you look up details about their baby oil, it won’t be associated with human trafficking. Just prostitution. Also, what is racketeering? Can someone write like a ‘Racketeering for Dummies’ book? It feels like this thing you might always accidentally be doing, but is also really hard to prove in court.

DENMARK ANNOUNCES AUTOMATIC INSCRIPTION FOR FEMALE CITIZENS

Service will include daily sauna-ing, cold plunging, camp songs, and naps. If war breaks out with Russia, you are automatically un-drafted.

THERE’S A LOT OF FLOODING HAPPENING ALL OVER THE UNITED STATES BUT WHERE ARE THE BIBLICAL ENTHUSIASTS

Aren’t they worried this is straight out of Exodus? We had the locusts last summer. And obviously we had the plague. ***opens new tab to google the rest of the 10 plagues****

TEXAS ATTORNEY GENERAL; TRUMPIAN LEMMING KEN PAXTON IS BEING DIVORCED FOR BIBLICAL REASONS

We’re not sure if his wife meant adultery or sodomy. Or both. But baby let the rumors fly.

IN EXCELLENT WIN FOR MARKETING, PEOPLE DON’T REALIZE THEY’RE LOSING MEDICARE WHEN IT IS CALLED SOMETHING DIFFERENT IN THEIR STATE

Ah man! Another hugeeeeeee ‘w’ for marketing in America. Turns out Tenncare IS Medicare.

ELON FORMS THIRD POLITICAL PARTY

Names it XcOIujsdfnUa*** after his daughter.

DAVID BLAINE SPOTTED LEAVING THE WHITE HOUSE SHORTLY AFTER EPSTEIN FILES ARE REPORTED OLD NEWS

Now you see them, now you don’t America.

EVERYONE WHO HAS WORKED IN CORPORATE AMERICA IS NOT SURPRISED LEADERSHIP MOVED ON FROM THE EPSTEIN FILES

One fiscal quarter’s main focus is another quarter’s past.

NATHAN FIELDER GOES INTO WITNESS PROTECTION AS FEARS THAT BOEING MIGHT OFF HIM ESCALATE

When did Boeing become the largest Mafia in America? I mean? Straight out of Seattle? The Emerald City? Who saw this coming. But seriously, Nathan, season 2 of The Rehearsal came awfully close to exposing how important it is for their planes to work well. And in light of the recent 787 Max controversies….y’all know they don’t want Nathan snooping around any black boxes.

SPORTZ__

BASEBALL IS FEELING LIKE IT’S LONG OVERDUE FOR ANOTHER BASEBALL MOVIE

I mean was the last one Moneyball? There has to be a Sammy Sosa movie in the works that makes us empathize with him and then feel like super bad people for rooting for him in the movie because he also beat his wives, right?

PEOPLE WHO HAVE EUROPEAN LINEAGE APPEAR TO LIKE F1 RACING

Your American friend whose dad is British is very into it.

PEOPLE WITH ENOUGH GENERATIONAL WEALTH TO HAVE A HAPPY EXTENDED FAMILY WITH NO PUBLIC FACING ISSUES CONTINUE TO LIKE TENNIS THE MOST

That’s no surprise, though.

WOMAN WITH LOTS OF QUESTIONS HAS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO BE IN A GROUP OF EXCLUSIVELY OLE’ MISS GRADUATES

I finally got to get to the bottom of this hotty toddy business and try to get an inside look into how every person that graduates from there knows every other person that graduated from there within a 10 mile radius of them at all times, etc.

LIFESTYLE____

MATH TEACHERS ARE THRILLED THAT INTERNET CONTINUES TO USE THE ‘GREATER THAN’ SYMBOL CORRECTLY IN LATEST “»»»»” TREND

A lot of these influencers were not using < and > correctly back when they were in class, so this is a huge relief.

FAMILY BOOKS TRIP TO DISNEY AT THE END OF JULY TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE GREAT WEATHER

Everyone is always saying, YOU HAVE TO GO TO ORLANDO IN LATE JULY. The mosquitos that time of year! Perfection.

WOMAN WANTS ADVICE ON DISNEY TRIP BUT EVERYONE JUST ACTS SHOCKED THAT SHE DIDN’T SECURE A RAW OYSTER BREAKFAST WITH AERIEL THROUGH HER PART HUMAN PART CHATBOT ASSISTANT MONTHS AGO

Wait, you mean you don’t have a reservation to make tamales with the cast of Encanto at 8:30am?

NETFLIX RELEASES ABSOLUTE BANGER OF A MOVIE ‘KPOP DEMON HUNTERS’ TO THE MASSES THE WEEK BEFORE 7 YEAR OLD GIRL IN ITS CORE DEMO GOES TO JESUS CAMP

Oh boy. She told me her friend asked her on the bus “what shows she’s into” and so she LIED and said Bluey because she knew counselors wouldn’t approve of demons. Also, such an adult convo for the rising 2nd graders.

COUPLE DECIDES THEY REALLY NEED TO SELL THEIR RENTAL PROPERTY AFTER RENTER TEXTS THEM TO ASK WHAT URGENT CARE THEY SHOULD GO TO

I mean???? Has the fourth Airbnb wall truly dropped that far that now I’m expected to give you medical advice just because you’re renting my house???? I’m Google AND a landlord? Ugh.

THIS SUMMER, PREVENT THE ICK WITH YOUR PARTNER BY PRACTICING BEING ABLE TO CLIMB OUT OF THE POOL WITHOUT A LADDER

It’s not just an important skill for kids. It’s an important skill to maintain the no-ick in your relationship.

I SURVIVED: 21 YEAR OLD ART STUDENT SCOLDED ME FOR FORGETTING MY CHILD’S LUNCH AT ART CAMP

I was so distracted, though, because I think she had the same obscure rectangle tattoo that my friend who also went to art school had.

KID, 5, WISHES HER MOM WOULD SHUT UP WHEN THEY’RE TRYING TO LEAVE SOMEWHERE

I honestly think my kids are like 1 week away from playing dead to get me out of conversations when they are ready to leave places.

ADULT WOMAN WITH ATTENTION SEEKING BEHAVIORS DIVES OFF HIGH DIVE AT LOCAL POOL

Ugh the kids are going to talk about this in therapy someday.

WOMAN WHO DOESN’T WATCH LOVE ISLAND DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO RELATE TO ANYONE ANYMORE

I DON’T WATCH IT OK. SHOULD I?

EDITORIAL:

SUMMER CAMP POWER RANKINGS

Summer camp. Such a uniquely painful American parenting experience. It’s wild that we are expected to either curate a 2.5 month itinerary greater than any travel agent ever could for our kids and shell out thousands of dollars in camp fees or have nothing for our kids to do but ask us for snacks for several months out of the year. It’s not like your employer opens their doors to kids in the summer with free milkshakes. So, instead, we all play into this rigamarole of a game where we sign up our kids for camp 8 months in advance with some kids we hope they will still be friends with by summer. And then we spend our summers with extra layers of Sunday Scaries as we try to hobble together the contents of yet another supply list whilst figuring out how we plan to get to the drop off and pick up at rush hour each day. I’ve made my comprehensive list of what makes a camp rank well in the power rankings below:

1. Your school’s after care program summer camp.

   1. Pros: Why is it number 1? Because if you go to public school that means you live by your school, which means close drop off. 2, it’s affordable. 3, it’s no frills. The frills are simple things that should bring kids joy like an ice cream truck on Fridays, not ziplining into a pool of money that you can cash in at the “canteen” store on your camp’s campus. Also, they don’t get awards everyday for doing basic shit like being nice to their friends. Just be nice, Timmy. Major pro - indoor and outdoor access. Air conditioning when needed. Flexible drop off and pick up hours so you can actually have a work day.

   2. Cons: it’s at their school so they might be annoyed you’re making them “go to school” in the summer. They don’t provide lunch.

2. Some kind of outdoor adventure camp. In Nashville, Deer Run and Widjiwagon are wonderful.

   1. Widjiwagon:

      1. Pros: horses. lake. bus to and from camp. lunch can be provided. nature and life skills being built. Very intense swim test for piece of mind when you see how the camp counselors are kind of sleepy.

      2. Cons: young, hungover camp counselors that sometimes forget your kid was supposed to ride the bus and leave them at camp. Very intense swim test that will make your kid sad. It’s hot and there’s really no air conditioning unless your kid will just ask to go nap in the nurses station like my kid. Some kids don’t like going in a lake. The camp is far away so it’s hard to be flexible with drop off or pick up if you need something outside of the bus hours. Kids puke on each other on the bus because it makes them car sick.

   2. Deer Run:

      1. Pros: Clean lake. bus to and from camp. Creek exploration. No swim test - every kid just wears a life jacket. Lunch can be provided. Camp store where they can buy snacks or doo-dads. Enthusiastic camp counselors with names like ‘Bunny’ and ‘Peaches.’

      2. Cons: They aren’t allowed to wear 2 piece bathing suits because of the Lord. Camp store where they can spend their entire week’s allowance in one day on random shit and no one is stopping them. Strong Jesus influence and your kid might want to participate in the river baptisms on Friday and then get really confused (again) about whether or not they are Jewish and why we don’t go to church. Lot of questions about Jesus. Very far away.

3. Camps at universities

   1. Pros: college kids teaching your kids and they are happy to be there. Access to air conditioning. Flexible drop off and pick up hours so you can actually have a work day. they usually get to eat in the cafeteria so you don’t have to pack lunch. access to amazing facilities whether for sports, arts, music, robotics etc.

   2. Cons: Not a lot of outdoor or free play time. Your kid will think purple hair or tattoos are cool. Expensive. Universities are usually in the city so you’re looking at 2 rush hour commutes.

4. Camps at high schools:

   1. Pros: your kids think high school kids are cool. Your kid’s friends are doing it. They will be tired.

   2. Cons: way too intense. Why so intense? What are you trying to prove? Why is my kid so tired they can’t make it to bed time because you made them run wind sprints in the 90 degree heat and then gave them a bag of goldfish and a dixie cup of water? No buses. Bad hours.

5. Camps that end before 3pm:

   1. Pros: none

   2. Cons: You might lose your job and your mind

6. Camps with performances in the middle of the day:

   1. Pros: cute

   2. Cons: You might lose your job and your mind. You sent them to camp, but then you have to attend camp with them on Wednesday or they will never forgive you for missing the talent show or their performance of 101 Dalmatians.

7. VBS (vacation bible school)

   1. Pros: Free

   2. Cons: No lunch, like 3 hours long, no life skills

8. Camps at museums or zoos:

   1. Pros: awesome

   2. Cons: impossible to get into. Expensive. Far away.